This Fan fiction is based on the renowned New Zealand writer Maurice Gee’s novel ‘In My Father’s Den’.
There are four people in Prior’s household. They are his parents Edith and Henry, and his brothers Paul and Andrew who all live in Albany, Auckland’s North Shore. All of them think that it is a good place to live. However, it is not a cheap place to live. It is not very far from Auckland city, which is free from regular hustle and bustle of city life, and a quiet, peaceful place. Paul can feel the air in Albany which is so fresh, the beaches around the North Shore makes them feel relaxed. They live in a house which their parents bought last year. Unexpectedly, in 2008, the price of Auckland houses suddenly dropped. Now, it is 2009. Since both of their parents are working, somehow they managed to buy the house. Paul thinks that his father would have never managed to pay the mortgage alone without his mother’s financial support. The house is not so big. It is a one-storey house. On the back side of the house, Henry planted orange, apple and pear trees. Edith has planted some flowers as well. If Edith is at home, she wants to look after everything. All of the Prior’s household help each other. Paul is seventeen years old and Andrew is two years younger than him, but Andrew looks more matured than him.
Paul’s father, Henry, as he himself thinks has one of the greatest hobbies in the world which is reading books. Inside the house, one room is filled with a variety of books, fictions and nonfictions. If the room contained only nonfictions, then definitely Paul would have avoided the place. His father takes great care of the books and the room as well.
Everybody says that Paul is a nice boy. May be he is. He works hard for his studies and his personality attracts everyone. At times, Andrew is jealous of how everybody, especially girls at Long Bay College stare at Paul. This does not disturb Paul at all as he thinks it is common between siblings.
It is Sunday morning and it is the month of February. Paul asks himself, “What happened to me?” He is thinking of Kate, his classmate and friend. Paul can remember that day when Kate approached him when he was having a break in college. Her naturally straight black hairs, slim tall figure, innocent and beautiful face attracted Paul instantly. That day she talked a little about her studies. Paul gave his mobile number to her whom she did not ask for, but her smiling face must have said something.
The next day, there was no text and no call. He wants to control his emotions. May be it is too early to expect from someone. He could not concentrate in class. So he thought “Just wait. I don’t want to disturb her. I want her to come to me”.
After seven days, during break time in college, Kate came to Paul. “Hi Paul. How is everything going?”“Oh! Kate, where have you been?”“Sorry, Paul. I should have called you earlier”. “It’s all right, Kate.”
One Sunday, they walked around Long Bay beach. Kate told Paul she is eighteen and works in Henderson, but she is eager to look for a job in Albany. She is her parents’ only child. She proposed Paul to come over to her house. Paul was not sure whether her parents would like it. She assured him. She said, “Do you mind Paul swimming with me?” Paul smiled.
Another Sunday, they swam in the Orewa beach; holding each other’s hands and Paul enjoyed her company. They drove towards the roads of the North Shore in his car. Some other day, he took her to Sky City Cinema, Westfield Albany and watched a movie. They went for a picnic in Tauranga and Paul presented a diamond ring worth hundred dollars to her.
Time goes by. Paul is helping Kate in her studies getting ready for NCEA exams. Paul introduced her with his parents. He showed her his father’s ‘den’.
NCEA exams are getting closer. These days, Kate talks about her cousin who often comes to her house.
“Do you see him as your boyfriend?” Paul asked Kate.
“You are jealous, Paul”.
“I feel so much closer to you now Paul”. Paul liked it how she expressed her feelings to him. He touched her hair and showed her his warm response.
The exams are over. Kate went for a holiday with her parents. Paul became suspicious of whether Kate’s cousin is accompanying her or not. Paul got his exam results. As usual, he has done well. He is waiting for Kate’s call. But nothing happened. In this holiday, he spent a lot of time reading some of his father’s books. His mother and Andrew have little interest in his father’s books.
Three years have gone by since Kate left. After Paul graduated, he joined a company which is based in Auckland. At times, he went overseas. In Auckland, he visits his family, especially his father and the ‘den’. He has added some books to his father’s collections.
One day, Paul's father said, “Paul, we all love you. This is no way to spend your life”. Paul said, “I haven’t considered of being with someone seriously”.
Father said, “Don’t try to escape”.
Kate never called him. Once Paul saw her in Auckland with a male. It could be her cousin. Paul thought, “Why did this happen to me?”
This morning, Paul got a phone call from Kate. He is so nervous but tried to be calm without expressing any excitement.
Kate said, “I would like to meet you, Paul”.
“I don’t think it’s necessary”.
“I need to talk to you Paul”.
They met at Paul’s rented apartment. After a long time, Paul saw her. She looks confused and unhappy. She explained that she married her cousin according to her parents’ wishes, but after the marriage, nothing is all right between them.
“Paul, do you still love me?”
“After such a long time, how do you expect me to answer you how I feel for you?”
“I am sorry Paul. I made a mistake and I am suffering from that”.
“Surprise! You suddenly left without telling me, you never called me as if I was a burden to you”. “I have learnt my lesson. Marriage was a bigger mistake for me. It was too early for me”.
“What happened to your husband? Doesn’t he care for you?”
“He is a selfish person”.
“There is no point talking like that”, Paul said firmly.
“I want to be with you, Paul”.
Paul is angry. But he controlled his anger towards Kate.
“Kate, can you remember how much I felt for you and helped you?”
Kate is silent.
“Paul, I hope you will forgive me”.
In his mind, Paul is thinking as Kate is trying to manipulate him as a second choice. He loved her so much, he still loves her, he is happy to see her, but in return what he is getting is only pain. He thought this time he will not show any weakness towards Kate. He said, “Kate, I don’t feel for you anymore”.Kate has just left. Paul feels sad to lie to her. Looking at Kate’s finger, Paul has recognised the ring which he gave her a long time back.
Monday, August 10, 2009
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This story is a good rendition of secret love. The writing is just a little blunt. Also, it feels awkward how some of the writing is in the present tense, stories are usually told after events have happened not while they happen in real time, so to me it feels weird. An example is just like "Paul is angry" or "Kate is silent", it just is to blunt and feels like the setting is being described plainly. Other than that it seems like a very very good story that would be a good read.
ReplyDeleteI think this story could be really great after some editing. I agree with Casey, the writing is a little blunt. Instead of being so straight-forward, dont reveal everything at once because it's good to keep the reader guessing. Also you could use more emotive language instead of the generic words such as 'anger' and just the plain old 'love'. Give a more detailed descrition of the relationship and how things actually ended up the way they did because it becomes confusing at times ie. "She explained that ahe married her cousin according to her parnets' wishes." But don't take offence to what i said you're doing a real good job and i can't wait to see the final story!
ReplyDeleteThe story is good, in fact its really good. but it needs editing - puntuation as well. any good story has life, in my opinion it needs to be a bit more natural. also as 46mt boy said the tenses need to be fixed. and the story could use a bit more explanation. im not trying to put you down, like i said before its a really good story. just put some life into it
ReplyDeleteThanks to all of you who have given me some suggestions to improve my writing. Without your comments, I could not understand where I have made mistakes. I need to check and rewrite my fan fiction.
ReplyDeleteone other ting, i know its the story but wouldnt it suck to marry your cousin? if that is the case why not state what kates religion / ethnicity is. coz if shes christian tyhen its a bit of a weird decision. but thats just my opinion
ReplyDelete