It all seemed right that first moment, the moment he crossed the street for me, the moment i fell in love but didnt yet know it, the moment where time itself seemed to have frozen because everything around us suddenly just . . . stopped moving. That was until i knew he was the man my older sister Dasha had fallen head over heels for. Before Dimitri, his best friend, delusively claimed me as his own in spite of knowing Alexanders feelings and completely aware of his own motives. Before i knew Alexander was really an American in incognito, a prisoner accused of treasonous acts against Russia, that was until he escaped. Before we had to conceal our love from Dimitri for fear of him revealing Alexanders true identity out of envy. And now here he was, a lieutenant in the Red Army completely overwhelmed by my every movement, whisper, word and smile (God knows why). And here i was, a seventeen year old completely dazed, completely breathless, completely, completely, completely everything.
That was what our love was; forbidden love, we had the Cross and the Crown in our cups.
To betray my sister and tell her that Alexander had only ever loved me? To reveal our love to Dimitri and risk everything? To tell everything was to lose everything.
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Great, I like reading about the indepth description of the relationship, and how they are so inexplicably and irrevocably in love with each other. It's definitely Romeo and Juliet set in WWII. Maybe just separate your sentences a bit more for easier reading. There's a section near the beginning of this paragraph that is one long sentence, starting from "That was until i knew he was the man..." until "...out of envy." Otherwise it's a great story so far. I want to see how it ends up!
ReplyDeleteYeah i definitely agree! I hate it when sentences go on for ages (ummm in a hurry maybe? Lol) But i will change that thanks Lana.
ReplyDeleteI also agree with what lana said, who likes those long mind-boglingly boring sentences, also you spelt lieutenant wrong. to be honest ive never liked romeo and juliet and i dont read much but this fan fiction has made me want to read this book - as long as it doesnt turn out like the sound of music did
ReplyDeleteOkaaay will do. But im thinking im only going to use a full stop instead of a comma. I imagine im gonna have to change some of the sentences but i wont be completely changing them. And im only using the acts from Romeo and Juliet not the actual ideas even though they both relate to the idea of forbidden love.
ReplyDeleteP.s i know how to spell lieutenant, thanks for pointing out my spelling errors! =)
Stevee, it's your fan fiction and you can do whatever you want. I feel addicted reading this fan fiction. You are repeating 'before' in three sentences, they are Before Dimitri, Before I knew and Before we had. Like any teenage girl, your 17 year old character is clearly showing confusions.
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